Why I won't miss Leno

On Friday evening, NBC did their best to make me care about Jay Leno's last show as the host of The Tonight Show.

As hard as it is to believe, Jay Leno use to be a great comedian. His visits to Late Night with David Letterman were some of the funniest moments on television. Sadly, when he started filling in for Carson, he became the blandest, saddest, least funny man on the air.

To make matters worse, he clearly was at a loss for ideas, so he consistently stole from other comedians for bits on his late night snoozefest.

Weird Al Yankovic perfected the "edited interview" bit long before Leno failed at it.

More recently, Leno stole Dave Letterman's "small town news" idea and gave it a new name thinking no one would notice. Luckily for Leno, his fans are very stupid.




He even stole stupid human tricks.




One of the few original bits Leno does is his famous "Jaywalking" segment, which is not only a modified version of something Howard Stern used to do but it gives stupid people an excuse to remain stupid in the hopes of being on "the TV."



As if these examples weren't enough to make me happy to see Jay go, there's also his endless homophobic comments.


I don't know which is worse, belittling the gay rights movement or the elementary school level "pipefitters" reference.

Of course, as a lover of TV and television history, I would love to acknowledge Leno's abdication as host as the milestone that it is. Sadly, the event is marred by the fact that the man will be returning to NBC in less than a year with a show that promises to be even worse.

Obits for your favorite Cheers characters

With the exception of Coach, no one knows exactly what became of the gang at Cheers. What follows is a collection of hypothetical obits for the regulars at everyone's favorite Boston hangout.

Hilary "Norm" Peterson
1948-2002
"Norm" Peterson was struck down by a fatal heart attack after attending a party honoring a friend in Seattle. Mr. Peterson was a loving husband, talented house painter and an accountant. He is survived by his wife Vera, who requests to be left to grieve in private. Services will be held at the The Hungry Heifer in Boston.

Norm had a deep dark secret

Dr. Lilith Sternin
1958-2015
Dr. Sternin died this week under mysterious circumstances after an accident occurred at an undisclosed laboratory. It is rumored that she and her fellow researchers were exploring new ways to harness the energies of a variety of snack foods. Dr. Sternin is survived by her sons Frederick and Mortimer. Instead of flowers, friends are requested to make a donation to the Research for a Better Beer Nut Foundation.

One of Dr. Sternin-Crane's experiments

Robin Colcord
1944-2027
After a long battle with Alzheimer's, Robin Colcord passed away last night due to complications caused by his refusal to consume liquids. Surviving Mr. Colcord is his longtime companion and business partner Evan Drake.

Clifford Clavin
1947-2003
After retiring from the United States Postal Service Clifford Clavin finally married and lived out his dream of retiring to Burbank, California. He was a regular audience member at such shows as The Tonight Show and Jeopardy but in December of 2002 he disappeared while returning from the funeral of his longtime friend Norm Peterson. Mr. Clavin was legally pronounced dead after numerous petitions from his wife Carla Lozupone Tortelli Labec Clavin.

Rebecca Howe
1950-2020
Rebecca Howe died from complications caused by an ongoing struggle with a variety of eating disorders. After being left at the altar for a record eleventh time, Ms. Howe convinced herself that it was her weight that was keeping her from finding a husband. After living on a diet of cigarettes and grapefruit for over a year, she finally passed away weighing only 84 pounds.

Rebbeca in happier times.

Everything I needed to know about being a father I learned from James T. Kirk

Ever since I was allowed to make my own decisions, I have tried to emulate Jim Kirk. Whenever I have a tough choice to make I ask myself WWJTKD? When I became a father, I continued that practice and it's helped out immeasurably.

You Can't Make Everybody Happy
During his career, Captain Kirk has been forced to make unpopular decisions. Even though the decision is always the right one, there are always people (sometimes a lot of people) who end up wanting him court-martialed or worse. As I became responsible for people other than myself, I had to realize that like Kirk, I have to make the decision that I know is right even if it makes my kids hate me.

Just because you ask for advice doesn't mean you have to take it
Let's face it, Kirk would be lost without the help of his crew. Like all smart leaders he gets advice from Spock, Bones, Scotty and a host of other crew members before he makes a decision. However, as he points, he is under no obligation to take the advice he gets. I try to solicit ideas and answers from my friends and fellow parents but ultimately, I am responsible for the decisions I make concerning my kids. So if the advice I get is not to my liking, I just figure it out on my own.

A good bluff can save the day
While I don't advocate lying to children, I must admit that there are plenty of times when The Corbomite Maneuver comes in very handy. Case in point, when my kids ask me to take them to see a crappy movie like Nancy Drew or Bratz I tell them "I heard it's kind of scary." Problem solved.

Always spay and neuter your pets
My kids love animals and they are always pestering me to get them another cat or a turtle or goldfish or something like that. I always tell them that any pet we get will have to be cared for by them. This includes the trip they will have to take to the vet to get the pet fixed because the last thing I need is a tribble situation.

War is messy
It hasn't come up yet, but if any of my kids ever decide to fight a virtual war where casualties have to report to elimination chambers, I know exactly what to say.